So this week I’ve been noticing that I put a lot of time and energy into my friends. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, but I think that sometimes it makes me feel like if I’m not totally accepted by them then I’m not worth anything.
I mean, okay. I know that’s not true. But I’ll be honest. I’m awkward as HECK and I’m weird and annoying sometimes. I say stupid things and I think I give people the wrong idea about me sometimes too. And I’m starting to notice that even though I’m leaving soon and these friends of mine will grow distant… that I am seriously CLINGING to them and needing to be with them all the time… needing them to care about me. And when I do said stupid, annoying and weird things… I just feel awful inside and I don’t even really know why.
I’m trying to not feel this way, and I think I’m going to try and spend less time with friends so that I can focus more. It’s hard to focus when I’m with friends doing crazy things and staying out late every weekend.
I guess it’s sometimes hard to realize that the only people whose opinions and acceptance REALLY matter is your family. And I love my family, but sometimes I just need some space from them because it can be a crazy time living in my house.
I don’t have a dull family. We aren’t quiet or subdued, and we aren’t a perfect Utah Mormon cookie cutter family that is the front page of the Ensign either. We are loud, we’re funny, and each of us is really unique. We have a VARIETY of different issues with each person in the family… like i have a bunch of diet problems… my brother does too. My sister has really badly messed up feet and has to have surgery. My dad has a muscle disorder in his hands and my mom has a lot of back problems. My mom is in school so that can get hectic, and my sister is in a cosmetology program while my brother is in a CRAZY genius school that can get insane as well. All this while I’m trying to do this mission thing.
Of course there’s more to us, but it can be a hectic life in the Dunne house some days. We don’t have the biggest house in the world, so I think that can be why I put my energy into my friends sometimes- so I can have some s p a c e. But I also want to have good family memories before I leave! And I will be totally honest- at the end of the day, I don’t feel really… fulfilled or anything after a crazy night with my friends. I really feel the happiest on the days I just stayed home, watched a movie with everyone and laughed about the weird stuff we laugh at because you know what? That’s what matters. That’s what counts. 🙂